God I Was Beautiful

I remember years ago. I was a geek. Everyone mocked me. But in my teens I got my act together and I started dressing better.

And good God, was I beautiful. Girls looked at me like they never had before. I still didn't have the confidence to have a girlfriend. But I looked a million times better.

I was sad, depressed, lonely, and man did I want sex. I wanted one or a million girls to fuck me. But nary a one would.

So I would cut out of school. And travel the buses to a local (not so local) mall. And I would go into the Macy's store at this mall. After I had shoplifted some erotica novels written by Anais Nin. And I would pretend to be trying on a shirt in the men's dressing room.

It was cool, quiet and air conditioned in the men's dressing room. And the carpet was exquisetly comfortable as I laid down on it and read these stories of French hothouse sex. Of threesomes, twosomes, orgies and more. Of an unreal sexuality I would never experience. Being a geek, albeit a well dressed one. Nin taught me how to go down on a woman. Or gave me some damn good pointers.

Reading French erotica in a Macy's men's dressing room while skipping school. And lamenting I would never experiece the sexual heights written in the tomes I read.

It was sad. Yet strangely beautiful. I miss those days in some ways. As sad as they were.

If I was lucky enough to have had a bit of female companionship back then. It would have made my youth the paradise it was always have said it would be. If you go by the rock songs and books and movies about that stage in life. They almost always involve a terrific girlfriend who makes the hero's life extr-a-ordinary!

Too bad it doesn't always happen in real life as much...