Absolute Positivity

I think I've hit a minor break through. I was thinking the other day. I've been so negative for most of my life. Why not be positive for the rest of it?

Why not simply change your thinking around that if you want something? Think positively that you're going to get it. Always be reasonable with yourself of course.

But in the brief time I've done this I found I've felt a little bit better. I've still got a mountain of negativity to deal with in my mind. But I think I'm onto something. Let's just say recent events have made me begin to see the light. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm long overdue for an amber ale at The Happiness Bar And Grill.

Who Knows What Good Lurks In The Hearts Of Men?

Maybe I need to look at life from a fresh perspective.

All things considered life, I guess, isn't all bad.

I've accomplished some of the things I set out to do.

Nary else matters but that I keep repeating to myself over and over. Like a Mantra.

A lot of things in life come down to motivation. You can do and accomplish so much if you're just properly motivated. Can't quit smoking? Your doctor tells you quit or you're dead in six months. Boom, you quit cold turkey and stay that way. Want the girl of your dreams and you find she's just within your reach for whatever reason? Boom! You change yourself and your life so you can be with her.

I need peace. Inner peace. Peace of mind. Perhaps a bit of inversion meditation every day would be just the thing?

It's going to get better. I know it. I'm too passionately stubborn for it to turn out any other way. Don't let the numbskulls and numbskullettes of life get you down.

I may be deluding myself. I may be just penning another post to make myself feel better when deep down I fear I'm sad and bitter and lonely. These words may be hollow. Hollow Man. That may be me. But I hold tight onto the naive truth that happiness may just be around the corner.

You just have to know where to look for it.

And the future? To paraphrase the song. Is uncertain. Give us time. To work it out.

No Reservations

After signing off last night I turned on No Reservations on cable. It was just what I needed at that moment. Not the best film ever but well shot, well acted, well directed, and very well scored.

The No Reservations theme always puts me at ease. I don't want to get the DVD though since I don't want to get tired of it. Catherine Zeta-Jones, Aaron Eckhart and Abigail Breslin are great in it. How the film ultimately ends is a bit on the Hollywood side but it works. I've no doubt the original German film on which it is based, Mostly Martha, is superior.

So I got one of my three glass tumblers I got in Vegas while staying at the Luxor and had a shot of Gentleman Jack from a single airplane sized bottle I had and absorbed myself into the movie.

I felt better. And thought maybe the Gods are looking out for me just a bit. Loneliness can get to you. Especially when you just want a pretty woman to put her arms around you a few times a week.

But deep down I'm still overcome with bitterness. At life, love, God. I think God has said to me love, happiness, even the wonders and beauty of simple human lust and passion can never come my way. And if they do? It's only for a few fleeting moments. As if to torture me. What can come my way? Only hatred, loneliness, death, destruction and misery. No positivity, only negativity. Only darkness, never light.

What is God, the universe, fate, up to? Anything? Or is it all but for naught?

Either way. At the very least I can take some brief human comfort in a great movie.

Life isn't always made to order.

http://noreservationsmovie.warnerbros.com/

Lonely Man There On The Corner

This is how I'm feeling tonight.

The lonely man there on the corner.

I called the Asian princess tonight. Got her voice mail like most times. Left a message and tried to sound cool, collected and confident. Told her I wanted to see her again. Then sent her a follow up e-mail for the hell of it.

After this. I don't think I should bother with much more. I've put myself out there. I know so little about women I never know how many times to call, how many e-mails to send. You have to play it cool. But you have to show interest at some point. She's a busy girl. A single mum, a student, a job where she's getting on the job training in her chosen profession, the medical field. So I've no doubt she's busy, busy, busy as a bee.

But. Damn, I miss her. I miss the great sex we had. And the companionship. I should be out scoping other chicks in the meantime. But I hate doing that. I like her. And I don't even barely know her. Did she lose interest? Did I say the wrong thing? Or did she just have a simple change of heart? Or meet someone better? She may just be out cruising other guys who's ads she answered online.

Damn. I just could have really used more of that FWB vibe I thought we had going. Friend With Benefits. Just damn. Wonder if it fizzled out like a firecracker on the day after the Fourth of July?

Unlucky at cards, unlucky at love, unlucky at life. That's me. The lonely man there on the corner. Or rather the lonely man in his studio.

I may be fretting all for naught. I could very well hear from her this very week. And she'll be back for some of the great sex we had before. She was so responsive, so vocal, and she left with a big smile on her face everytime we were together in the past, thanking me each time for a great time. Whether it was sex or sex and watching a movie. I may just be too weird for her.

See the lonely man there on the corner...

And nobody knows him, and nobody cares, cos there's no hiding place, there's no hiding place, for you...

He sees everything and nothing at all...

I swear I wish I was a normal person with normal relationships. And not sad and neurotic. I just wish I felt as wonderful as everyone else. I wish I was a normal happy person. The kind of people I see all around me all the time.

But I'm not like that and never could be.

Well, if nothing else. I had those nights of great sex and warmth and happiness with her. Hell, I'm probably worrying about nothing. Sometimes I think about ending it all. Just to be done with everything. Boring jobs, worrying about being overweight, worrying about depression, worrying about having no life and nothing to come home to at the end of the day.

Other than surfing the web on my computer. I was hoping I could make it work with this gal. In some respect. But I may have crapped out again. Flat broke and busted. Alone again.

I always think to myself when this happens. I guess somebody else gets to have great sex with her and not me. Never me. Someone else gets to know happiness with her. And not me. Once again.

Fuck you, God. You don't exist. And you never did. There's nothing for me in this life except misery and bitterness and unhappiness. No joy for me. Never for me.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow...

Or maybe I'm just worrying about nada.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMGLvwfRelo

Wasted Youth

I feel a total jerk.

Been thinkin' and drinkin' this evening. Have not heard from the Asian princess for several days. Oh, we spoke briefly on the phone. She told me the reason she hasn't been coming by my place is that she's having that time o' the month. Which is cool. I can understand that.

But ugh, I miss her already. I shouldn't sweat one person. There are lots of women in the world. But the sex we had was so passionate. I'm just fearful I'll never hear from her again. That'll she'll move on, meet someone new, someone better. Which, in my case, wouldn't be that hard to do. But we seemed pretty damn sexually in synch. So...

I may just be worrying too much. I do that and this is part of the reason why I never have a girlfriend.

Only time will tell. But tonight. I'm thinking of the years I pissed away. I'm still young. But my earlier years, ten years ago or so. I spent them working shit office jobs surrounded by people I hated. I did that for years, hating those jobs. When I could have been working in the entertainment industry, doing extra work, working as a PA (production assistant) on films and TV. I would have been in the industry, even on some small level. And made the same if not more money than I was making in those office jobs. I was writing my screenplays at night so I was still working towards my goal of getting into the film world.

I probably wrote about this before. But it irks the shit out me from time to time. The fear. I had the fearful courage to move to L.A. all by myself. But not to move to Hollywood. And go full force into the entertainment world. What an idiot. All those years of wasted youth.

If I could go back? Just before I moved? I had saved up a lot of money. A nice little nest egg. And I would have shaved my head. Bought a cheap wardrobe of all black clothes. Slimmed down. Painted my car jet black. Hell, I would have spray painted it black if I didn't wanna spend the money on a cheap professional paint job.

And I would have moved to a cheap, clean apartment somewhere in Hollywood or West L.A. and gone full force into the film and TV world. Got myself a headshot, registered with some casting agencies. And written scripts and done open mic stand-up comedy at night. Maybe have met a girl and fell in love. Or at least in lust.

Those years were a magical time. But I just didn't realize it. I realize now how magical they were from the music and movies and books and TV shows of that era. But I did not appreciate them at the time really. Well. Live and, hopefully, learn.

Here's two tunes from that era I didn't truly relish when they first came out. But now I wish I had. They are just songs. But they made me realize that I missed out on so much life, so much freedom, so much sexuality, so much everything back then.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkqIHWAMSJ4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqH_xqh0eVw